Selling it to the wife (part II)

After reading all of your helpful (and not so helpful) responses, I decided to put a few of your ideas to my wife.

The idea of sailing is now officially SOLD subject to the following terms and conditions:

1) I want something that doesn't resemble a floating one man tent

2) I want to park it/use it somewhere shallow so when I fall off I can touch the bottom

3) I want a bathroom and toilet

4) I want one with a tele so I can watch NEIGHBOURS, HOME & AWAY, HOLLYOAKS, EASTENDERS, CORONATION STREET, ER, AND FRIENDS.

5) I don't want to get wet.

6) I'd like a holiday on a cruise ship, do they have tellies?

7) Stop that bloody magazine being delivered, it wakes me up when it comes through the letter box

8) I'll need new clothes.

9) And make-up

10) And shoes

11) I want one with engines, not sails

12) It'll be my boat, not yours, and I'm gonna call it BOB

The above is non negotiable and subject to change depending on the weather and the time of month. You have no say in any matters about anything. Your house, sanity and sex life are at risk if you don't do as you're told.

Only 12 conditions. You must have a real gem of a wife - treasure her (but look out for another just in case!). And you also say that there is sex AFTER marriage. I find that hard to believe.

Thank you for the crash course in how to be a proper woman. I fear it comes too late for me and I have blown it entirely but I did enjoy the rules. The thing is, where is Part I? I've hunted but I can't find it anywhere and I'd hate to miss out on a free education! ;-) P.S. I did once come across a guy with more money than brains who had a boat built for him. His wife, apparently, liked the basic design but disagreed on the interior design, so he had another one built to her specs and now they have a his 'n' hers pair of gigantic stinkpots... P.P.S. If your wife is anything like as much fun as you sound, she'll take to the sea-life in no time. Mind you, if she's anything like me she'll like to have her telly, and the VCR (or a laptop and DVDs will do fine), somewhere to stow the make-up, a washing machine.... P.P.S. Sorry!

Who's Bob though?

And your problem is what? (this note was dictated by my wife). Welcome to the world of stink pots.

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THE RULES

1. The FEMALE always makes the rules 2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No MALE can possibly know all the Rules. 4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some or all of them. 5. The FEMALE is never wrong. 6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong. 7. If Rule 6 applies, the MALE must apologise IMMEDIATELY for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time. 9. The MALE must NEVER change his mind without the expressed written consent of the FEMALE. 10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The FEMALE must under no circumstances let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The MALE is expected to be a mind reader at all times. 14. The MALE who doesn’t abide by the Rules can’t take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp. 15. Any attempt to document the Rules could result in bodily harm. 16. If the FEMALE has PMS, all the Rules are null and void. 17. The FEMALE is ready when she is ready. 18. The MALE must be ready at all times.

RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW

01. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 02. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it is up, put it down. 03. Don't cut your hair. Ever. 04. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. 05. Get rid of your cat. 06. Sunday = sports. 07. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 08. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to

complain about having their boobs stared at. 09. You have too many shoes. 10. Crying is blackmail. 11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from

point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. 15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an

argument. 18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect

us to act like soap opera guys. 19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the

ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know

how pretty you are? 21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it

done - not both. 23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

I get sailing passes from "the wife" (God help me if she reads this) In a car show room the car of her dreams was right in front of us, me looking at the bottom of the range, she looking at the CD player/aircon/etc extras model - So with the pressure on from the salesman knowing I wouldn't get away with much i went for the big one - OK you have the car you want, but I want 10 (yes ten) weekend sailing passes - complete agreement - A sailing pass is from Friday night to Sunday afternoon - each allows pure sailing pleasure, no moaning or grizzling for the week previous or long sulks and "you selfish b*****d" when you get back. 5 of may passes are "Delux" which means she packs the bag, drives me to the marina, carries bag and provisions to the boat and graciously waves from the jetty omn departure. - Happy days

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...in TheSeaMag on the Man Talk page? I'm truly impressed. Also quite pleased to see that I haven't been breaking too many of the rules without knowing it. I had a headache once. Once.

...with stinkpots, any of the rules or your wife either, come to that! Ours is a plastic tub (frozen snot, Herreschoff called it) and I think anything that floats, large or small, made of whatever and powered by whatever, is better than anything that doesn't float.

Thought your message was a response to mine. Anyone know where I can get a DIY brain surgery kit? ;-))

of selling it to my wife I ended up with a real caravan. I hate caravans.

I also ended up buying her a half acre garden extension. I hate gardens.

Two basset hounds to share her garden. They hate Tom.

Still I get to sail a lot as nature intended. No! I keep my kit on. With people who want to be there.

Tom

Sex is what they put coal in!

Becarefull Linnet what about mersey goldfish! They float.

MEN'S CHAIN LETTER

This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged yachtsmen. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of this posting, and add your name to the bottom. When your turn comes, you will receive 16,255 women. One of them is bound to like yachting. At the time of writing this, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping. Remember - this chain brings luck. One man's cat died, and the next day he received a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. You can be lucky too, so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his own wife back.

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(Thanks to CRB who posted this in response to an earlier 'wife hates boating' thread).

I can't take credit for these, they are quite old. I am pleased I saved them though.

Only ONE headache. Now I'm impressed.

As a female you should not be looking here.

Are you referring to wives/females/ladies

as "stinkpots" ? As in it is their world because they make the rules.

Is it normal for PMS last for 23 days each and every month?

**aa

ALL the time before.

(Ducks head very quickly)

ALL the time after.

Ouch.

...so I passed up the opportunity to have a second ;-))

but now I am curious...is 'The Plan' a film? If so, no. Should I, if I get the opportunity? I had a plan. Once. Now I have no plans and I'm sticking to them...

hic!

....you don't expect your wife will want to read this thread. 'Stinkpot' is a term of endearment or derision, (depending on the twist of the lip, the glint of the eye and the tone of voice,) used to describe vessels that have no sails and must rely on engines for their propulsion. In the days of yore (sometime last week) these creatures belched out smoke as they cruised along...making a stink from their chimney pots...I think I'll go and put that in TheSeaMag before it is claimed by IPC or someone rushes in to tell me where 'stinkpot' REALLY comes from and how many ensigns one should have etc., etc., Worry not, crack open another ice-cold beer, Doug, and give St. Kitts a kiss from me!

...to be the question...this is probably an indelicate revelation but, what the hell, we're all going to die sometime, might as well be of embarrassment (yours, matey, not mine!) but I have to say that a hystericalectomy worked wonders for me, some 12 years ago. All the fun, none of the mess and no PMT, pre or post. Mind you, I don't remember having PMT beforehand either, so maybe it's a shade drastic. Still, surgeons like doing them. In my day they used to get 600 quid for 45 minutes work. Nice going! Ooh I bet I'm going to get an avalanche of abuse now. I'm ready. Haven't been ticked off properly since I had some madcap idea about trying to save a couple of Buddhys out in the wilds of someplace unspellable...I was sent a really good one about saving a rainforest the other day....anyone want to see it? Ducks...

to make a quick buck (or 600, that sounds cheap). Any recurring problems and we'll take out yer hystericals, that'll stop you coming to see me. I won't die of embarrassment, it will be something else, more of which I could tell under different circumstances.

How are we going to save the rainforest now the americans have shown their true colours and don't give a £$%^ about the rest of the world.

Now thats going to start something. You and me both in for torrents of abuse.

...while they're pounding away at our rhinoceros skins they won't be tearing the wings off fairies or building hamburger joints in the Hamble...doesn't anyone want to see the lovely rainforest petition I got the other day? I know. I'll put it in TheSeaMag for anyone who would like their grandchildren to have air to breathe when they reach our ages...I'll put a text link to the petition, which can be copied and e-mailed out by anyone who gives a damn (it's quite impressive, it already had 300 signatures on it, from all over the place, when we got it, we're the 301st), on the MORE INFORMATION page which is off the blue welcome page you get when you click on Come Aboard on the front cover. There. Problem solved. the planet rescuers can get on with it and arthur can keep stuffing down the scallops. Now I'm up for some PROPER abuse! Cheers!

I thought I'd get a response from somebody, but I wondered should I start a new thread and possibly get more verbal.

I unfortunately have to be termed a stink pot with two 90hp two stroke outboards.

BOATING mag in the US (Editors and all) refer to those who use sails as "sailbotes" in a derogeratory manner. Must be a form of inferiority complex ?

Oh well I better open another cold one.

Cheers

PS I do enjoy the cans draftflow Boddingtons when friends bring them out. I have to give it a little chilling.

...the server just has to notice that there's a new page with a new link to it this may take some minutes, or even hours), and anyone in the mood for saving the world will be able to nip in smartly and do it! If I had known this petition was coming I would have saved my gauntlet for it. Wrecking treasures is stupid but wrecking our oxygen supply is suicidal! There, now we can stand back and await the cries of 'But what has this to do with boating?' and other less savoury remarks. I don't care. I like breathing and I believe most people, given the choice, would rather breathe than not. And anyway, what makes people think that being into boating excludes one from being into anything else. I live on a boat. I work on a boat. I shall probably die on a boat but I'm interested in thousands of other things too. Like having a planet to sail around...Cheers! You're a good sport, Mr. Nightingale! Incidentally...what? No photo?!

We'll do a little something to see if anybody sailing in your direction, sooner or later, might see their way to bringing you an extra can or two! A Wanted poster! Wanted For Drinking - One six-pack of Boddingtons on St. Kitts... The Rogues Gallery has a space marked DG in it, just waiting...

No it normally lasts for years on end, in fact it never ends.

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what are yoo barking on aboot noo..... sex after marriage is better than before it cos yoo doont have too hide anymoor !!!!! unless yoo really wants too..... Yoo is reet though he has got a gem of a missus what happened too wanting proper reinforced decks so she can wear her high heels withoot pogging the grp ? just wait until its raining then ask her again what she wants; itll probably be 4 walls and roof, say no more.....

Mersey Goldfish, what be they then ? We had a dolphin stuck in the mercury/cyanide water that represents itsself as t`t mersey..... As for mersey goldfish I cant say Ive seen one but like everything else in mersey they float belly up to try and get away from over 50years worth of heavy chemicals such as mercury/lead/cyanide/cadmium plus all their chlorate/sulphate/borate compounds that have been uncermoniously dumped into what is a fairly nice place..... They tried to clean it up once but the cost shelved the plans approx 40-60million squidto clean the water and the silt, it was shelved because they couldnt guarantee that the chemicals wouldnt be released further into the water. The water is a dirty brown colour cos all silt chems etc... never settle properly so everthing hangs in suspension, dont whatever you do bring your nice boat up mersey past liverpool otherwise it will just get eaten by the water.....

nm

well if we all end looking like mr bluebeard then itll look more like a hall of shame not fame.....

To get away from it all.....