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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Lymington
    Posts
    492

    Default Tuesday's Giggle

    Nelson at Trafalgar 2018
    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
    Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
    Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, or religious persuasion.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting " England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."
    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
    Nelson: "What?"
    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
    Nelson: "We're not?"
    Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
    Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
    Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."
    Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Essex
    Posts
    19,933

    Default Re: Tuesday's Giggle

    I had a laugh. I chuckled at the idea that you must have been a guest of HM for the last fifteen years.
    Far away is near at hand in images of elsewhere

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    SW Scotland
    Posts
    17,891

    Default Re: Tuesday's Giggle

    Quote Originally Posted by tross View Post
    Nelson at Trafalgar 2018
    Wouldn't "The Lounge" be more appropriate for this sort of gin-jag-and-cravat humour?
    "Seamen are always wanting to do things the proper way; and I like to do them my way."

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Southampton
    Posts
    34,606

    Default Re: Tuesday's Giggle

    Quote Originally Posted by JumbleDuck View Post
    Wouldn't "The Lounge" be more appropriate for this sort of gin-jag-and-cravat humour?
    Most of the lounge inhabitants are stuck in the past, but even they would find this joke rather old.

    Pete

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Nelson New Zealand
    Posts
    528

    Default Re: Tuesday's Giggle

    First posted in the lounge 3 weeks ago.


    http://www.ybw.com/forums/showthread...e-Week/page202


    (I only visit the lounge for the articles, OK?)
    Aiming to live forever or die in the attempt!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    UK, Greece and Spain
    Posts
    20,195

    Default Re: Tuesday's Giggle

    One here going back to 2004 on the Motor Boat Forum, it was also on the forums quite a few times between then and now
    http://www.ybw.com/forums/showthread...ghlight=nelson
    Last edited by jordanbasset; 07-11-18 at 08:01.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Posts
    4,792

    Default Re: Tuesday's Giggle

    Quote Originally Posted by jordanbasset View Post
    One here going back to 2004 on the Motor Boat Forum, it was also on the forums quite a few times between then and now
    I dunno, world wld be a darker place if we had to extensively search internet and only tell brand new jokes.

    The only bit I don't get is the Kevlar vest reference ....if only .....well who knows

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    Me - Zumerzet Boat - Wareham
    Posts
    11,372

    Default Re: Tuesday's Giggle

    These Forums would soon die if only new questions / articles were posed.
    Maybe we should have a challenge - Who can find the most Anchor / What boat for me / Diesel, Battery, Solar issues!
    MontyMariner.co.uk
    Facilitated by AWESEM WP Agency

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Greenwich
    Posts
    6,524

    Default Re: Tuesday's Giggle

    Quote Originally Posted by JumbleDuck View Post
    Wouldn't "The Lounge" be more appropriate for this sort of gin-jag-and-cravat humour?
    Quite, a few people here like the world as it is today more than the weird old attitudes of the dinosaurs

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    UK, Greece and Spain
    Posts
    20,195

    Default Re: Tuesday's Giggle

    Quote Originally Posted by dom View Post
    I dunno, world wld be a darker place if we had to extensively search internet and only tell brand new jokes.

    The only bit I don't get is the Kevlar vest reference ....if only .....well who knows
    Sort of agree, but have seen that joke on here so regularly it is like an old friend that has over stayed their welcome.
    The good news for those that like it is that they will not have long to wait for for it to resurface, perhaps it could be a sticky

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