Keep everyone entertained this Christmas with our updated compilation of the best nautical jokes around..they're guaranteed side splitters!

With the festive season now upon us, we’ve drawn on a wide range of sources to update our list of sailing-related jokes.

Hopefully, this will give you plenty of ammunition to keep your family and friends laughing on board or on dry land this Christmas – without you having to reply on cracker jokes!

 

Driving me nuts!

An ‘ol salt swaggers into a bar.

He has a ship’s wheel stuffed into the front of his trousers.

The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a ship’s wheel in your trousers!”

The ‘ol salt says, “Aye mate and it’s driving me nuts!”

 

A colourful crash

A boat carrying red paint crashed into a boat carrying blue paint and the crew were marooned.

 

Sailors laughing a jokes in a bar

Credit: Marjory Collins

 

Small change

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”

The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

The sailor replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too, if you had what I have.”

The bartender says, “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?”

“Fifty cents!” replied the sailor.

 

Don’t start anything!

A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

The dockhand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dockhand.

“I don’t HAVE one!” shouted the sailor.

The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said: “Well, why don’t you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be OK.”

After some time, the sailor comes out with a pair of jumper cables. “This is all I could find to put around my neck,” he said.

Sighing, the deck hand said: “OK, I’ll let you in with those, but just don’t start anything.”

 

No clew!

“What do you call a sail with only two corners?”

“I haven’t got a clew!”

Fish and chips

Credit: Andrew Dunn/Wikimedia

 

Testing a fishy theory

Two sailors are talking:

Sailor A: “I hear fish is good brain food.”

Sailor B: “Yeah, I eat it all the time.”

Sailor A: “Well, there goes another theory!”

 

Professional courtesy

A doctor, a dentist and a lawyer were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard.

Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.

They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land.

Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside.

The dentist yelled, “It’s a miracle!”

“No”, said the doctor, “That’s professional courtesy!”

 

An expensive snore cure

A woman was nearing the end of her tether – every night her husband was snored so loudly that it kept her awake.

She decided to call the family doctor to see if there was anything that could be done to relieve her nightly suffering.

“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband of his snoring,”  said the doctor, “but I must warn you that it is rather expensive. It
will cost you a deposit of £15,000, and payments of £1,000 for 48 months, as well as money for extras.”

“Good grief!” exclaimed the woman. “That sounds like I’m buying a yacht!”

“Hmm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?

lightbulb

Credit: Jorge Royan

 

Tricky light change

How many boaters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because the right size bulb isn’t on board, the local marine-supply store doesn’t carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.

 

A little wave

Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.
“What’s this?” asked the skipper, “It looks as if someone is drowning!”
“No,” explained his crew, “It’s just a little wave.”

pirate-jokes

How did you get that eye patch?

A sailor and a pirate are in a bar recounting their adventures at sea. Seeing the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the sailor asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies: “We were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.”

“Blimey!” said the sailor . “And how’d you get the hook?”

“Arrrr…”, mused the old salt, “I got into a fight over a woman in a bar, and me hand got chopped off.”

“Blimey!” remarked the sailor. “And how about the eye patch?”

“Oh that,” said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye.”

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the questioner asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the old sea dog, ” it was me first day with the hook.”

 

What did the newbie say to the skipper? 

Newbie: “Do yachts like this sink very often?”
Skipper: “No, usually it’s only once.”

 

Sea captain and punk rocker

 

The sea captain and the punk rocker

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different colour … green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

“What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old captain replied, “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!”

 

In Dorset?

“I went on a sailing course in Poole.”

“In Dorset?”

“Yes, I’d recommend it to anyone.”

 

Bermuda Yacht Rescue

 

What’s your position, sailor?

A novice yachtsman got into trouble in heavy swell had to call the Coast Guard for help.

“Mayday, mayday, mayday!” he yelled. “This is yacht Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, over.”

“Corporate Junket, this is Solent Coastguard,” came the reply. “Can you give me your position sir, over.”

“Solent Coastguard this is yacht Corporate Junket. I’m a director in a financial planning company, over.”

 

Say again?

A catamaran sailing in the frostbite series race lost its mast and was nearly overturned by a large wave. The headline in the club newsletter the next day was, ‘Cata-frostic Dismaster.’

 

Where did she go?

“My wife has just sailed to the Caribbean.”

“Jamaica?”

“No, she wanted to.”

 

And didn’t spill a drop.

An old captain and his first mate are reminiscing about their days on the Arctic convoys of World War II together.

Captain: “All through those terrible, dark, storm wracked nights, you never once failed to bring me a steaming full mug of tea on the night watch. How on earth did you manage it without ever spilling a drop?

First mate: “Well Sir, since you ask, I used to take a swig of your tea in the galley, then spit it back in the mug when I got to your door.”

Pirate flag

Why did the Pirate give his ship a coat of paint?

Its timbers were shivering.

 

Hand me the shovel.

A pair of a novice sailors’ best mate died, and, in his will, specified that he wanted them to bury him at sea.

So, the pair set out from shore in a rowboat with the body. They had rowed out a little way when one got out of the boat and stood knee deep in water.

“We need to go out further,” he told the other. So they rowed out another fifty yards, and the same sailor jumped out again to find the water reached his chin.

“We need to go out further,” he said again.

About 150 yards from shore, he jumped out of the rowboat again and disappeared under water. After five minutes, he reappeared coughing and spluttering, and said to the other: “Thats far enough; hand me the shovel.”

20,000 leagues under the sea

What do Sea Monsters love to eat?
Fish and Ships.

 

No … you change your course!

Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, a captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship.

Reaching for the radio, he says: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

“Change yours ten degrees west,” comes the reply.

The captain responds, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman second class,” the next reply comes back. “Change your course, sir.”

The captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

The man replies, “I’m in a lighthouse. Your call.”

 

What do sailors use to blow their noses?
Anchor-chiefs.

 

The one about the magician and the captain’s parrot:

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

“Look, it’s not the same hat.”

“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”

Parrot and pirate jokes“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.

After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. What’d you do with the ship?”